It's no secret that being newly married can be tough. Between learning who your husband truly is, trying to figure out your new role as a wife, and trying to balance time with in-laws, there can be lots of room for mistakes, mean words, roller coaster emotions, AND lots of love. There are times when I want someone to tell me exactly what to do, or tell me what not to do. I sometimes wish there was a written list of things to avoid, or things to expect so that Kent and I could have a perfect and blissful marriage with no disagreements or mean words. However, I am grateful for this first almost year of marriage, and wouldn't change it for anything. So, from one wifey to another, here's my guide to surviving the first year of marriage:
1 -
Pray EVERY night together.
Kent and I have missed literally three of our night time prayers since being married, and those misses were because he was at Scout Camp, and without cell-phone service. I know without a doubt that when Kent and I pray at night, Heavenly Father is listening closely to our prayers. There have been times when we were mad at each other, but we still prayed, and do you know what????? After asking Heavenly Father to soften our hearts, and to help us understand each other, he did just that. We started to see each others points of view, and the tension evaded. I also believe it is soooo vital for our spouses to hear us pray for them, and it's important for us to hear our husbands pray for us. I know that when I hear my husband pray for specific needs in my life, such as my work, or for my church calling, it makes me appreciate him so much. It makes me feel as though he really is paying attention, and he really is concerned about the needs that I have. I know that Kent feels the same when I pray for him too.
"Prayer is the passport to peace."
-Thomas S. Monson
2 - Inaugurate Responsibility From the Beginning.
This is something that I wish we had started earlier in our marriage, and I could probably write a whole blog post on. First of all, Kent, if you read this, I love you with allll my heart and I think you are an incredible person:) Men have a completely different way of thinking than we do. For instance, if there is a pile of laundry sitting next to the couch, and we sit down to watch T.V. we are more than likely going to fold the laundry while watching our shows. If a man sits down on the couch next to a pile of laundry, they are more than likely not going to fold it. Now, I don't believe for a second that they intentionally leave the clean laundry to sit there. I truly believe that it's solely because they don't think like woman do, and they truly don't notice that it needs to be folded. I know that Kent appreciates it when the house is clean, however I don't think he truly recognizes what it takes to keep the house clean. That's when we need our loving woman skills to teach them (in a non nagging way) and show them what needs done, and how to scrub a toilet the correct way. I wish from the beginning of our marriage that we had essentially created a job chart. Something along the lines of, Thursday mornings you take the garbage can to the curb, and I'll make sure the dishes are all done. Saturday mornings, you are in charge of scrubbing the bathroom, and I am in charge of scrubbing the kitchen. Mondays, you vacuum the house, and I'll dust all the furniture and fluff the pillows. Whoever is out of bed last in the mornings has to make the bed. If you eat food in the living room, make sure the dishes make it to the dishwasher by the end of the day. We are trying to establish this now, and it's a little harder because we have gotten set in our ways, however I know eventually it will be so worth it, because keeping the house clean should definitely be more than a one person job.
3 - Choose Your Battles Wisely.
Before I bring up anything that is bugging me about Kent, or about life, I think "is it worth hurt feelings?" There will come times in your marriage when things just start bugging you. It could be the hormones talking, it could be that you had a bad day and you just hate the world for no reason, it could be because your frustrated with something little that your husband may or may not be doing. No matter what reasons you may have for being irritated always stop and remind yourself that your husband isn't a bad person, he is not intentionally irritating you, he loves you deeply, and ask yourself if the problem is worth a possible argument and/or hurt feelings. Now, that being said there are definitely times and issues that need to be resolved. If it is an issue that really matters to you, makes you feel bad, or is truly hurting your marriage, than those are absolutely times when you can lovingly express your concern to your husband. But, don't let your crazy hormones start up something that simply just needs a night of sleep to be resolved.
4 - Genesis 2:24
"A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." I am pretty sure this is one of the hardest things for every newly-wed. I know for a fact that it was hard for me at first. Your mom, and Dad are your go to problem solver for the first 18 to 20 years of your life. Now all of a sudden you are married, and expected to go to your spouse (that in my case I had dated for a whole six months) for all of my problems and needed advice. It's definitely not that I didn't trust Kent's opinion or advice, it was more of an old habit of "Oh! I don't know what to do... moooommmmmm I need help!" A whole almost year into our marriage and we both still have to work on this commandment. I feel like we have both come a long ways from where we were with this, and we are really starting to feel like our own little intimate family. We discuss our problems and our concerns with our little family, and our Heavenly Father and I love the way that if feels. I know that Kent looks to me for all his problems, and I look to him with mine. Knowing this makes me feel sooo loved to know that he trusts me and my advice.
5 - Have Joined Bank Accounts.
Kent and I had separate bank accounts for the first 5 months of our marriage. In some ways it worked alright, and in others it didn't. We had decided at the beginning that it would work best if my account and all the money in it was for all of the groceries, and my gas. His account and all the money in it was for rent, paying bills, car maintenance, medical bills, house needs, and his gas. Everything got paid, but what happened to all the money that wasn't spent on the above listed? Oh that's right, it became our money for our own spending. We had a hard time saving any money that way because when I had $200 left in my account at the end of the month, it was time to go shopping. In January we finally decided it would be best for us to have joint accounts. I'm pretty sure it was the best financial decision we have made thus far. It's awesome to be able to have someone monitor your spending, and I feel more accountable to Kent. I know that I can't take a stop at the mall to buy a new outfit because Kent will see, and not that he would be mad or disappointed... I just know that's probably not what he would want us to spend our money on when we are trying to save for a new car. Likewise, Kent doesn't buy pizza on Tuesday and Wednesday nights during my piano lessons anymore because he knows that I will see it come out of our account. Accountability is a very good thing in a marriage, and it helps us save money:)
6 - Above All Things, Put Your Spouse.
The second that you become husband and wife, your spouse is instantly put at the top of your importance list. For time and all eternity, (next to God) your spouse is your number one. Your spouse's feelings should even come above your parents feelings, and your spouse's parents feelings. Heck, your spouse's feelings should be coming above your feelings. I think that we sometimes get into the thought that "ohhh, my wife/husband will understand, and she will be quicker to forget and forgive then my family, so I'm going to try to make my family happy first." WRONG. Your spouse is THE MOST important human on this planet. There have been times where I felt I wasn't at the top of the list, and it causes resentment and hurt hurt hurt feelings. If there's one thing that marriage has taught me, it's to be selfless. It's been pretty incredible to watch Kent and I both grow selfless together. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father's hand is in our marriage, and I pray daily that I will be selfless enough to put all of Kent's feelings and needs above mine. I truly believe that you cannot have a healthy and functioning relationship unless your spouse is your number one.
"True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves."
-Jeffrey R. Holland
7 - Forgive, Forgive, Forgive.
Like I said previously, your husband is not intentionally being mean, he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he's not a rude person, and he loves you deeply. No person on this planet is perfect. Not even close to perfect! I know for a fact, I have said and done things that have hurt Kent's feelings, and vis versa. I always think about Heavenly Father, and how he is willing to forgive us for just about any sin as long as we ask for forgiveness and fix our mistakes. How could we be so selfish to not forgive someone, ESPECIALLY your spouse, when Heavenly Father is even willing to forgive. I believe that if you truly love your husband, you will be quicker than a race horse to forgive him.
8 -
Nice Words Only Please.
We woman for whatever reason, have a tendency to not always say the nicest things about people. For whatever reasons, gossiping makes us feel like we are bigger, and more in charge than other people. My mom gave me this incredible advice to never ever say anything bad about your husband to anyone. I have tried so hard to apply this advice to my life. I have seen how it has helped my mom and my dad's relationship. I have never heard either of them say anything bad about each other. The reason that this rule should be applied is because eventually, when you only say good things about your husband, you begin to only see good things about your husband. It's kind of like the "you are what you eat" concept. You start to believe, and see what you say.
9 -
Bed Time = Two People.
I'm firm believer that going to bed at the same time is a marriage reinforcer. That five minute cuddle time you can have with your husband right before falling asleep and moving to opposite sides of the bed is a time where you can express your love without words, or really any actions. If you don't go to bed at the same time, one person falls asleep, then the other person has to come in when they are ready and wake them up in order to have a half-hearted "get this prayer over with so I can go back to sleep" prayer. The time right before we fall asleep for Kent and I, is actually the time that we have to deepest, and most heart to heart conversations. Our lives are so busy, it seems like if we are home, the T.V is always on, or we are doing homework. Bedtime is a time where there are no distractions. It's solely a time to express love, appreciation, and a time we can truly listen to each other. It is honestly my favorite part of the day.
10-
Love is a Choice.
There will come days in your first year of marriage, when it seems the "honey-moon phase" is over. The wedding pictures aren't as exciting anymore, you've boxed up all the left over wedding decorations that you thought you would use for your home but never did, real life kicks in with work, and school, and church callings, and the love may fizzle in and out. Always try to flirt with your husband like you did on your first date. Keep the romance in the air. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. It's completely up to you whether you stay in love or not. Wake up in the morning, and choose to keep falling in love with your husband everyday.
Kent and I have been married for 11 months, and it's hard to believe that we will be celebrating our first anniversary in one month. This year has absolutely flown by. I have learned so much about myself, and about Kent. I know without a doubt that Kent was placed into my life by Heavenly Design. Kent makes me a better person, and I make Kent a better person. In some ways, this first year has been really hard, and in a lot of ways it has been incredibly wonderful. I never thought that I could love Kent more than I did the day that I married him, however I have been proven wrong just about every morning. My love for him grows daily, and he tells me all the time that his love for me grows hourly;) Although this first year may be tough, you have the opportunity to learn and experience things that you will never be able to ever again. Enjoy each other's company, take spontaneous road trips, make other married couple friends, go to church every Sunday, unconditionally love each other, and just think, you only get one chance at your first year of marriage, so you better make it a good one.
Sincerely,
